Insecurity can be deeply rooted

I have forgotten how passionate I used to be. I just kept myself busy programmed my mind that I am the busiest and most passionate person there was. I used to do so many things in high school from sports to arts did I mention I was super model skinny yes I was. Fast forward 4 years later I have no idea what I am passionate about or what I am good at and I got 3 sizes bigger then what I used to be. Drowning in my depression and insecurities I have been trying to put together the pieces of what got me into this disposition in my life. It could have been the weight gain and the loss of interest in all things I used to be so passionate about.

Being in conflict with myself is basically my everyday dilemma. Why do you want to wear that, your thighs are fat? Why do you bother wearing make up you will always have that birthmark on your face? Why do you want to wear such a short dress? Your stretch marks will show and they are so ugly. Why do you wear your hair like that?

I hate the fact that I am always giving into my insecurities. So I wear that baggy pants that covers my fat thighs. I wear my make-up to cover my birthmark. I wear that long pants, skirt and dress to cover my stretch marks and bumps on my thighs. I tie my hair appropriately to make others comfortable. With a mother like mine who is all about image, doesn’t make it all too easy to be myself and free to wear whatever I wish to wear to express myself, because she is my constant “fault highlighter” normal terms body-shamer if that is a real term.

As I try to discover why I have become so insecure I have come to realize that my mom is part of the reason I have become so insecure because she plays such a big role in life, I do want her approval. Goes to show that even the people you surround yourself with, will have a hand in your insecurity or stability. My mother is not so big on giving me affirmation unless it somehow makes her shine. For example I would wear something that she likes and she would say “Hmmm that is a nice outfit your wearing, if only I had a mother like me, your so lucky to have a mother like me“. Such comments make me feel belittled and insecure.

2019 was a tough year for me emotionally, physically and mentally. I was making bad decisions all because I wanted to feel less insecure and just to please people to get affirmations and just to feel appreciated.

My insecurities have not just disappeared they are still there. I just pray that one day I will learn to love myself better and just have that confidence that I know is there somewhere deep down in side me.

So what I have decided to do is just go with my gut. Even if I fail I will fail within my right of choices that I have made. To also give myself affirmation instead of waiting for other people to do it for me to feel stable. I am surrounding myself with positive and motivational things such as cups written “I am the beautiful”. I plan to change my clothes that inspire me to look and feel beautiful for myself. Self love is important. My mom is a wonderful mom raised me to be the woman that I am with the things she could share with me and what she could not give me.

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